Your name is Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery, you have more names than anyone I know.
I agree. They left out the best part, though. Shepherd. Addison Adrienne Forbes-Montgomery-Shepherd.
Meredith sighed, grabbed her pager and coffee cup off the table, and walked with Derek as he went to refill his coffee cup. Shuffling beside him, looking at her black Converses, the words slipped from her mouth, “I didn’t choose to be lonely, you know.” Meredith’s head snapped up as she realized what she just said. F***. She hoped Derek wouldn’t hear the accusation behind the words - that she was lonely because he had chosen Addison. Oh f***.
Her blue eyes searched for a clue, but his body language revealed little as Derek kept filling his coffee, seemingly ignoring what she had just said. Confused, emotional, panicked, Meredith mumbled, “I’m gonna go sit down again. Over there. Yeah.” As she fled to the table they had been at, she mumbled to herself. ”Stupid, idiotic, sleep-deprived, the f***, stupid, you’ve got to be kidding me…” Pulling out her chair, she sat down and leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. Meredith couldn’t believe she did that. Taking a deep breath, she leaned back in her chair and looked back at the coffee cart where Derek still stood. Would he come back? Could she blame him if he didn’t?
Whereas his attention had previously been on the coffee machine, Derek’s head turned as Meredith’s words on loneliness left her mouth. He wanted to reach out and pull her to his side, that being his intial instinct, but instead he stood there and continued adding sugar and milk to his cup, knowing that they were just friends. He kept his body still and relaxed as his concentrated on his coffee, his ear listening as Meredith said she had to go sit down. He nodded briefly, just slightly—a motion he wasn’t sure if she’d even picked up. Derek had no idea as to what he could do. Meredith wasn’t his anymore. He’d chosen Addison, and everything about that had caused Meredith to feel lonely. It was his fault; it was always his fault.
He walked back to the table slowly, looking at her helplessly. “Nobody ever chooses to be lonely,” he said quietly, giving her a look of concern as he leant back against the edge of the table. “Come on, let’s go somewhere quiet so we can talk.” Derek placed his hand gently on her shoulder, nudging her to stand up and follow him out of the still very public cafeteria. He didn’t want to make a scene that would embarrass her. Meredith had been through enough.
It probably wasn’t the best idea to be going somewhere quiet with Meredith Grey, but he still cared for her and he knew that she needed someone—if not him, in this moment. All he wanted to do was hold her close until she felt better, but he knew that it was the wrong thing to do, so he kept himself at bay. His shoes hit the hospital floors softly as he hurried to the stairwells, knowing that there they wouldn’t be interrupted.
(Source: dr-derekshepherd, via darkandtwisty-meredith-grey-dea)
She cocked her head to one side, her eyes never leaving him as he mulled over the suggestion. She feared that he would immediately hate the idea, but he seemed to be imagining the same things she was. She was still mildly reeling over how fast he’d come around to the idea of going somewhere together for the holidays. Deep down she was petrified that he’d jumped into the idea too quickly and he’d soon regret it and leave her again. It seemed that regardless of what she suggested, he would support her. When he called her by her nickname, she smiled slightly. Only a select few were allowed to use it, and Derek was of course number one on that list. He only ever used it when he was in a remarkably upbeat mood, or when something terrible happened and he tried to comfort her. She could see by the glimmer coming to life in his eye that he was genuinely excited. This, in turn, allowed her own hope to soar. She beamed at the idea of renting a cabin, giving him a knowing look, “You are Mr. Outdoors, aren’t you?” She couldn’t help but laugh, thinking about the trailer he’d been living in. Again, she found herself beginning to reach across the table for his hand but she caught herself, folding her hands quietly in her lap as her gaze faultered.
For the briefest moment, things had felt normal. They were going to go away for the holidays like always, where they could discuss the perfect present for all of Derek’s family and what to write on the Christmas cards. The decorating was, of course, out of the question considering they weren’t living together, but they could still sit together and enjoy the quiet company, avoiding the lavish parties Addison was always invited to attend. It was her one rebellious action against her parents to go away for the holidays, somewhere they couldn’t reach her. Certainly, Vermont was a lot closer than some of the other places they’d ventured (and within a relatively reasonable distance from her home), but if they were secluded in a cabin in the woods, nobody would find them. They could hide away, safe in each other’s presence. However, emotionally correct as everything felt, she still felt like she was chained down physically. With things suddenly beginning to go so well, she was petrified the smallest movement would send everything tumbling into chaos. It was the last thing she wanted to do; she feared if Derek left her like that again, she’d be lost forever in the darkest recesses of her mind and unable to recover.
At length, she took another long sip of the warm liquid before her, chancing another look in his direction. She wanted to be coy with him, but still she hesitated. “Maybe we can pick a place together after work,” she really didn’t want to pick it alone if Derek had something more specific in mind. Their vacations had always been a celebration of their togetherness, and she wanted to get as close to authentic as possible, “Something… secluded. Just the two of us?” She watched him hopefully, her eyes softly longing for him though she wouldn’t dare make another move.
“That I am,” Derek laughed, realizing the sound had come effortlessly. In that moment, everything felt like normal, like they weren’t across the country in Seattle and that they were still madly in love. Addie had alway made him laugh in his hardest days—and this was a hard day, and she was making him laugh. ”I think Mr. Outdoors is going to enjoy this vacation,” he tilted his half-empty coffee cup towards his wife with a silly grin on his face. He even allowed himself to wink at her, praying that he wasn’t moving too fast for his own good. Derek was terrified that his black and white brain would again force Addison onto the “bad” side and that they’d lose all hope in their marriage again. He was fighting the hardest that he could, but his life, work, and even Meredith were all pulling him in the other direction. Seattle and everything that came along with it was new and foreign. Derek wanted to stick with the old and familiar, something that was the workings of his black/white brain. Everything was either good or bad, and there was no in between. He struggled with himself emotionally to find a good footing, a place to stand, but he could already feel himself slipping as he tried to get back to where Addie was waiting with open arms. But he wanted this.
He nodded, listening intently as Addison spoke again, making sure she knew that all his focus and attention was on her. There was nothing distracting him, contrary to the situation at SGH. Whenever Addison had tried to talk to him or contact him at work, he’d always been busy, or he’d found an easy way to make himself busy. Here in the secluded corner of Starbucks? Derek could let and force himself to be Addison’s husband. Here, she was Addison Shepherd and he was Derek Shepherd, happily married. There was nothing to come between them and he was grateful for that. “I think that’s a great idea. We could pick something out together, just like old times,” he said the words carefully, going through them in his head before speaking them aloud to make sure that he wasn’t fooling himself or jumping too quickly into deep water. “How about after work, today? We could find some time at the hospital or you could come over to the trailer?” Derek knew he was being bold by inviting Addison over to his trailer, although it wasn’t much to begin with. It had been his personal haven for his life in Seattle though, and he knew that inviting her over wasn’t a light matter. However, it wasn’t in the best condition, and he did want Addie—who was used to lavish places and expensive shoes and clothing—to have the best. “Or maybe I could come over to your hotel tonight? We could,” he paused, racking his mind for things they could do. “Have dinner, maybe watch a movie. Or we could just plan our getaway for the holidays.”
He leaned back in his chair as he waited for the beautiful red head to respond. Derek knew it was a lot, and that his suggestion had been almost like a first date type of thing, but to him it felt like the right thing to do. At the place they were, Derek and Addison were in no shape to spend a week or even a weekend together over the holidays. They were almost strangers, and the only things he knew about her were the things from their newlywed stage. This situation was almost like dating again, and Derek hoped Addison would understand where he was coming from.
His genuine response triggered an involuntary half smile, but her mind was still racing to keep her emotions in check. She wanted to be excited, but the fact that this situation was mostly her fault was still holding her down, anchoring her to her grief and guilt. She was even more shocked as she listened to the confessions tumbling from her husband’s mouth. He had yet to realize exactly why Addison had done the things she’d done, but she didn’t honestly expect him to ever have that insight. Everything for Derek was categorized into two distinct categories. For most of her adult life, Addison had been put in the good list. When she’d slept with Mark, she’d moved herself to the bad list. It was as simple as that. Circumstances and messy emotions meant relatively little to Derek when it came to making these types of decisions, and this Addison knew better than anyone else. To spite this shortcoming, she’d always stood by him, even when he became indifferent to her, started working more hours and spending less time with her. She felt incredibly weak for breaking down how she had, but there was nothing she could do about it. It was in the past, and it was going to take a long time (maybe the rest of her life) to earn Derek’s forgiveness.
She was mildly shocked by the sudden outflow. He was really willing to try and make things better, even after he’d run clear across the country, taken off his wedding band and (she suspected) fallen in love with Meredith Grey. She couldn’t help but think the only reason he was willing to try was because Addison herself had packed up her entire life in New York and left it there to be with him in a city she hated. Maybe, somewhere deep down he knew that she wouldn’t have chased him if she didn’t truly love him—if she wasn’t truly sorry. She was even more shocked to learn that he had been listening when she’d been making suggestions for vacation spots. Originally, she’d thought somewhere lavish and exotic would be the way to go—the particular place she’d been talking about was on a secluded island with gorgeous beaches. Frowning softly in thought, she reconsidered her choice. The things she’d had in mind were things she thought might be too extreme now, even if he was trying to be supportive by endorsing the idea.
Finally, she let her eyes settle into his, relatively comfortably. “Let’s go up North.” It was something she wouldn’t usually suggest, but given the circumstances, it was the only place she wanted to go with him, “Maybe Vermont… we could enjoy the snow,” She hesitated for a moment, considering whether or not she should continue with her thought. Finally, she added, “or the fireplace.” There was something uniquely appealing about the thought of just curling up together for the holidays, watching the frozen beauty outside their window as they nestled together in quiet comfort. The thought of sex or even flirting was just beyond her reach at this point. She missed it, of course, but more than anything else she just missed the tender little touches and the safety of his arms. She studied his gaze, allowing herself to hope that he would approve of the drastic change in ideas.
He wondered what his wife’s response would be, finding that he couldn’t read her as well as before. The time and space had done something more to their marriage, and Derek longed to get it back. He used to have the ability to predict Addie’s responses, but as he waited, he found he had no idea what she would say. Would she pick those lavish locations? Or would she pick something else? She surprised him by suggesting Vermont, of all places. Derek had been sure she’d be all over the idea of some secluded beach where they could focus on getting intimate with each other. But he realized that perhaps Vermont posed just that—a week of intimacy where they could improve their relations with one another. Sex or not, Derek was willing to try. He found himself becoming excited at the thought of being alone with Addie, snuggled together safe from the cold. He remembered all the years they’d used to do that, before Derek had become slightly distant due to work. Maybe that was why Addison had cheated—he pushed the thought out of his mind. He wanted to keep himself focused on a winter with Addison, spending their holiday together.
“Vermont,” he mused, tasting the words out loud in his mouth for the first time, free from the confines of his black and white brain. “Do you really want to go there, Addie? I mean, I’m fine with the luxurious beaches,” Derek held his hands up in mock surrender, smiling at his wife. For the first time in a long time, he was truly happy about the holidays. Whenever Addison had brought up the idea in the walls of the hospital, Derek’s mind had been too set on work and the race for Chief and of course, Meredith Grey. Here on break in the quiet corner of Starbucks, he could really think about his marriage and the mistakes they’d both made. And for some reason, Vermont sounded awfully nice—although the beaches sounded refreshing also. It was all up to Addie though, Derek had decided he’d let her choose. “We could maybe rent a cabin up there,” Derek thought about the New England state in the US, and he imagined the soft and pure snow that would surround the said cabin. “Or something. A hotel would be nice as well.” He fixed his gaze on Addison as he spoke, a light in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. “But yeah, the beaches wouldn’t be so bad either. You pick, Addie,” he used the nickname fondly again.
Derek was slightly worried that the vacation wouldn’t go as he was imagining and that his hopes would fall and crash to the ground, disappointed once and for all. But he craved the closeness he once had with his wife, Derek wasn’t one to want to be alone. He missed holding Addison in his arms, cradling her against his chest as he left small kisses on her hair and forehead, stroking her soft sking. It’d been something that as newlyweds they’d enjoyed, and something they’d enjoyed before marriage also. He smirked a little to himself as he remembered the way Addison and him used to rip each other’s clothes off whenever they had the chance. “Studying” never came easily to them when they were sprawled out on the floor of his dorm, their bodies entwined as he kissed the life out of her. It’d been fun, those days. Perhaps over vacation Derek could get some of that back. He knew Addison was just waiting for him to reciprocate her feelings, and Derek promised himself he would work hard to get to that.
Even though she hadn’t pushed, he was still uppity. She felt her stomach start to painfully knot itself, the fear translating to her pale eyes. He’d initiated the conversation, putting the big ticket on the item on the table, and she’d given him the option to take it back. He still responded like she’d struck him. In that moment, she felt helpless in a way only he could make her feel and she hated it. She visibly flinched when he half stood, biting back the urge to jump up and physically stop him. The memory of that terrible night sprung to life in her mind again. She clung to the banister, pleading with Derek, but he wasn’t hearing a word she said. He grabbed her roughly by the arm, forcing her up as he dragged her to the door. Opening it without a moment’s hesitation, he pushed her out into the dark and stormy night, joining the clothes that were now soaked and strewn over the stoop. Before she could even turn around he’d slammed the door shut. A chill resonated through her body and for a moment she felt like she might throw up. He sat back down and she exhaled a breath she didn’t know she’d been holding back. The thought of losing him literally took her breath away. She frowned softly as he sipped at his latte, her eyes falling to the floor. For the briefest moment, she wanted to fall apart, sobbing until there was nothing left, but she was too proud for that. Instead she sat, stubbornly holding herself together.
She forced her gaze to remain locked on the floor for a few seconds after he started to speak again, but the expression on her face was quickly shifting to one of disbelief, laced distinctly with the subtle undertone of distrust. At length, she trusted her eyes to rise slowly to meet his again. If he genuinely wanted to get away, he would have gone about it differently. She had a hard time hearing what he was actually saying, as her eyes were telling her an entirely different story. He wanted nothing to do with her or her fanciful ideas for the holidays. This was an obligation to him, made obvious to her by the flat tone in his voice coupled with a dutiful sigh. He was trying, but Addison wasn’t sure if she should accept his offer. At best, it seemed her presence was torture for him, and though he’d made contact with her skin she was sure she’d somehow stung him in the process. Another wave of immense sorrow crept up but she pushed it back down, closing her eyes for a moment to assure she could handle this properly. Though she knew he hadn’t meant it, she forced her response to be one of interest. “Yeah?” She questioned, a slight smile playing at the edges of her mouth though she had to force it, “You’d want to?” She couldn’t help but ask. She knew deep down he was likely still struggling to overcome his own black and white judgments, but she would only agree to this if he wanted it too.
He had to want it, she thought, at least somewhere. He was her husband, but he was also her best friend, and she couldn’t stand to watch him like this. It made her sick to think it was because of what she’d done to him. For a moment she herself wanted to up and leave, scared by the prospect of what he might say next. She just wanted to hide and unload all those unpleasant feelings. That urge was only exacerbated by the fact that she wanted to break down in his arms, a feat that would likely never be achieved.
Memories flooded Derek’s brain, and he found himself deeply sorrowed that here was his wife and him, with miles in between them. The few feet was nothing compared to the emotional disconnect Derek felt, and he wished he could take it all back—the attempt to leave, the awkward patting of Addie’s hand. He could see it in her eyes and slow reaction that she’d been hurt by his actions and for that he was sorry, he just couldn’t take it back. It was how he felt, and it was how he’d feel for a very long time. But Derek had this aching feeling to fix things, to make things right, so although a huge part of him wanted him to turn back and possibly return to Meredith, Derek knew he had to do the right thing. And the right thing was facing up to his fears and letting Addison know he’d be there for her, regardless of what had happened. He could remember her voice, strained as she begged him not to go. So he didn’t leave, instead he kicked her out with her dollars and dollars worth of expensive clothing. Addison had ruined them, but Derek had helped in the end.
Feelings: Derek had never been much of a man with feelings. He had them of course, but he never spoke them aloud or shared them with another human being. Addison had been his source of comfort for over a decade, but now that was over. He would never admit it, but some nights Derek felt incredibly lonely in his small trailer. Sure, Addie had cheated but she was still appealing to him. He still wanted things to turn out alright; maybe one day she’d be moving into his trailer with him for good, to stay. So Derek packed up his feelings, told them to get out so that he could do his best at moving on. “Yeah, I want to,” Derek said with a real smile this time. It wasn’t forced, it didn’t tug up on the corners of his mouth while also tugging down in some kind of strange grimace-y expression. It was genuine, and he knew Addie saw it too as a blush crept onto her formerly pale cheeks.
“Look, I know that what happened can’t be undone, and I won’t be okay for a long while,” Derek forced his emotions to come tumbling out like a waterfall, free and unstoppable. He said the words slowly, a slight chuckle at the end as he imagined how much he really struggled to discern right from wrong. “But I’m willing to try. It doesn’t seem like it, but I am, Addie. So let’s go away for the holidays. It can be… anywhere. Even an exotic resort or someplace great,” Derek surprised himself with his own suggestion, but he felt himself beginning to light up and smile even more as he became excited with the idea of having a romantic night (or more) with his wife. “You remember that place you suggested before, right? I can’t remember the exact name, but… the one with the great food and dancing and places to relax and hotel bed.” Briefly, Derek pondered whether they’d reserve one bed or two, but knew that they’d have to go with one. Sleeping in separate beds in the same room would be even more awkward and cold, and Derek didn’t want that anymore. He truly wanted things to get better, no matter the cost.
Meredith frowned at Derek’s uncertainty over his wife’s location. She wouldn’t really care, except for the way it made her heart leap a little with hope. Swallowing deeply, she half-smiled at Derek’s question. ”I get surgeries. No other interns to compete with, only a few residents - I actually get to assist.” Her smile fading slightly, she considered telling Derek the real reason, and decided for a half truth. ”Besides, I like the solitude, with so few people here.”
She turned to look at him, giving him her shy smile, before finishing the last of her coffee. Looking down at the empty cup in her hand, she admitted to herself that, yes, she could get used to this.
“So you’d trade in a good time on a Friday night for surgeries? Interesting,” Derek said, although he knew what she meant. Surgery was… the thrill of cutting was amazing, it was soothing, it made a surgeon relax after a bad day. And even if something went wrong, the challenges that had to be faced and dealt with sent surges of adrenaline rushing through all personel in the OR. “But you’d rather be lonely?” He asked, genuinely concerned. He didn’t want Meredith Grey to be lonely. He didn’t want her to be with anyone else either, but he wanted her to be happy.
“More coffee?” Derek asked, already getting up and heading to the coffee station without waiting for Meredith to follow him.
(Source: dr-derekshepherd, via darkandtwisty-meredith-grey-dea)
